she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
