is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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