just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
