Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
