My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
