forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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