I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
