my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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