The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
