Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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