Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Randomize
