I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
