so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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