this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
