this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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