i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
