drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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