Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
