I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
