You really coming over, don't trick.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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