Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Less talking, more tequila
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
