It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
