we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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