I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
