The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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