i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
