Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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