what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
