that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
