i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
