The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
