So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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