when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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