her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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