Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This house was built for laser tag.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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