dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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