Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
