Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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