i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
