So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
