Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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