you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
