Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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