I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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