I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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