dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
