Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
