He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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