I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
