his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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