Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
